Po'ed: Definitive Edition Review - More Like Poo'ed

In all likelihood, you saw the headline of this review or scrolled down to check out the score before coming to read this here introduction. If that's the case, let me tell you: yes, Po'ed: Definitive Edition is not a good game. But I must also emphasize this is of no fault to Nightdive Studios, the excellent developer that ported this confusing mess of a "game."

If you're like me, you never knew it existed until Nightdive announced its remaster on April 1st of this year. A fitting date to announce this incredibly frustrating and bizarre game, but at the same time, I'm glad to have played it. Originally released in 1995 on the 3DO, this obscure retro shooter narrowly avoids its fate of falling into obscurity.

The Confusing World that is Po'ed: Definitive Edition

When Po'ed was released, it was still during the frontier period of FPS development: Wolfenstein led to Doom, which led to a boom of pioneers testing the limits of what the first-person shooter genre could achieve. In came Heretic and entries for juggernaut franchises like Star Wars: Dark Forces. And then there was Po'ed.

Po'ed is a confusing mess of a game, marred with issues ranging from its movement and level design, all the way down to levels that look unfinished or haphazardly put together. Its arsenal of weapons is a bit more unique than other FPS games and certainly, the enemy design stays with you. But it is generally unpleasant to play.

Levels start out easy enough -- just make it to the end teleporter to move on to the next area. It is most certainly not a corridor shooter. Po'ed favors wide open spaces, some of which are shockingly large for a game of its era. It is actually impressive to see this, even though most of this wide open space feels like bloat.

For most of the campaign, you're equipped with a jetpack to help navigate these spaces while shooting at foes all the while. The jetpack's pretty darn fun to use and, once you get the hang of the controls, is pretty smooth. The downside to using the jetpack is you might end up motion sick, and no, I'm not talking about in the game.

The way the jetpack lurches around actually made me nauseous, and I went through extensive testing to come to this conclusion. The way the jetpack lurches the camera around can be a bit jarring, so keep that in mind and perhaps adjust the FOV if you run into this issue.

If I had to describe Po'ed's level design in one word, it would be "experimental." Everything has this slapdash look to it, with floating platforms and environments placed with no rhyme nor reason. This leads to some truly confusing moments, and you get lost. It seemed nigh unable to find what I needed to to do proceed, and this strange level design exacerbated this.

To proceed, it would often end up that you'd need to kill a certain amount of enemies or hit switches hidden in such absurd locations. It seemed almost impossible to proceed without consulting a guide, which someone had thankfully made years prior. I don't mind exploring, but it's frustrating when the solution to move forward is so absurdly vague.

Butt-Aliens and More -- Welcome to the Po'ed: Definitive Edition Experience

So yes, Po'ed has these puzzle elements in its level design, but it's also an FPS, so there are plenty of enemies and shooting. You have an eclectic cast of enemies like butt-aliens that shoot foul projectiles, retro robots, and other strange beasts.

The most annoying of the bunch are these flying enemies that are so difficult to hit, especially when you consider your shots auto-target enemies. With dozens of little floaty bastards zooming to and fro, contending with auto-targeting is the last thing I want to deal with.

When you're not zipping around on a jetpack blasting away at enemies, you can wrestle with two wonderful movement options. I like to call them "sluggish and slippery," since the base walk just isn't fast enough and the sprint makes it feel as though you're running on ice -- this makes for some rather frustrating gunplay, especially if you try to platform around.

Thankfully, the cast of weapons is at least adequate. You have a range of alien-like energy weapons, a frying pan and drill for melee, a flamethrower, and a few more. It's nothing crazy, but these weapons get the job done, sound pretty cool, and nothing feels underpowered. I didn't like using the flamethrower, though, since it shared fuel with the jetpack.

Po'ed got a generous helping of touch-ups to make it accessible and playable on PC at 144 FPS. It runs flawlessly, to Nightdive's credit. The biggest thing going for Po'ed: Definitive Edition is that Nightdive did the amazing work of bringing it over to their proprietary engine. This includes visual enhancements.

Said visual enhancements only go so far with Po'ed, though, as the overall art direction is ugly. Repeated, drab textures and a lack of visual cohesiveness are rampant in Po'ed. I applaud Nightdive's efforts in creating a more legible game, but you can only do so much when the original product itself wasn't all that appealing.

Po'ed: Definitive Edition Review | Final Thoughts

Anything Po'ed does, just about any other FPS does better. Star Wars: Dark Forces came out a year before and its level design is far more advanced, and visually much more appealing; Hexen, out the same year as Po'ed, managed to create an awesome fantasy atmosphere and keep levels looking fresh. Po'ed does none of that.

Nightdive could have easily let Po'ed: Definitive Edition live in near obscurity, but I appreciate their gumption in porting a very strange game that isn't nearly as fun as its predecessors. Though I may be harsh on this title, sometimes it's fun to check out the weirder side of gaming, and Po'ed: Definitive Edition matches that criteria.

Po'ed: Definitive Edition was reviewed on PC with a code provided by the publisher over roughly 5 hours of gameplay. All screenshots in this review were taken by the reviewer during gameplay.